Last Sunday, I attended the Teach Me How to Love book launch. In this intimate setting, Troy Spry allowed guests to ask questions related to the book or on the topic of love, dating, and relationships. A young woman stood up and asked (generously paraphrasing here): “Why is it that men don’t want to be with a woman who is smart, self-sufficient, and loyal?” Personally, I don’t care for these types of questions because….come on. It’s a trap.
Everyone knows she’s talking about herself, putting the responder in the awkward position of deciding whether to answer truthfully or spare her feelings
Cherry pick the positive qualities that no one but some real jerk would NOT want in a woman
Generalize all men into one school of thought so you spend your time defending gender instead of the actual problem
I really wanted to jump in and give my opinion, but it wasn’t my place. I decided to write my answer in this week’s blog instead, so here it goes.
The quick answer to this question may surprise you. No, men don’t want that. If that’s all that you’re offering up, you will absolutely get passed up. Every time.
Here’s the thing. It’s wonderful that there are more women in this day and age who come to the table highly educated, financially stable, and climbing the proverbial ladder in their respective careers. Our value as respected and productive members of society increase with every accolade and broken barrier. When looking for a man to share our life with, however, we think that this value is transferable. Like the woman at the book launch, we believe that being smart, paid, and self-sufficient is such a find, any man would be crazy to pass that up. Unfortunately, that isn’t what men coming to the table are buying.
Ultimately, men are looking for something different than what they already possess. Why would they want more of the same? Think about it; what man, with a bag full of apples, wants more apples?
When women describe themselves using masculine-centered traits, what they are really describing is someone who THEY want to be with. That isn’t the case for men. Most men want women who have a warm, nurturing spirit, a desire for true partnership (not conflict), and who make them feel acknowledged and needed. You don’t need a degree, a 401k plan, or even a loyalty card for that. What we’re going for is complimentary qualities that make the unit stronger. Both feminine and masculine energy to balance out the scales.
Answer me this: what type of woman do you want to be for your man? What qualities do you think the man you desire would want in a woman? Do you embody these characteristics on a consistent basis? How would a potential mate know this about you?
Chances are, you rarely, if ever yourself these questions. That’s okay, we’ve all got to start somewhere! When you’ve worked it out for yourself, make sure to leave it in the comments section!